I know i might think I’m alone a lot of the time, but recently i really am. I didn’t even realise until now. You know when you just sit there and stare. Or clean. Or re-organise your bag three times just to pass the time, to distract yourself from the awful thoughts clawing away at your brain. Trying to escape from the deep, forgotten place that you pushed them into.
I think i need to do something, because as soon as I’m alone, as soon as I’m not around my family or friends, I’m a mess. As soon as I’m away from the people in group, as soon as I’m in my room, if i don’t distract… the cracks start to show. As the time trickles by, smaller cracks form from the previous cracks, and suddenly i have a million tendrils of horrific events ambushing me. Plaguing me, one after another, not giving me chance to fight or breathe. Smothering me with a contant barrage of catastophies inside my head.
That said, it’s not just being alone in my room that breaks me. I’m not sure i even enjoy going out on my own much either anymore. That’s such a contradiction, i admit. It’s complicated as i love my independence after years of not having it. So now the little that i have i grately appreciate and thrive in… usually. However, in the recent months i can’t function more often than not when I’m alone.
Without the familiar presence of a family member or friend, without their support i feel the crushing weight of even the smallest things around me. Each passing car, every deafening cough, every obnoxiously loud step someone takes. Sirens, finish me off. I can’t deal with the cacophony of disjointed, misplaced noises. Not to mention the fact that my legs literally forget how to move me, and have also found this new weight to them too. Then there’s the smells, that i didn’t quite notice existed until now. Food smells, my clothes, people, items. Everyone’s far to close to me. Everything is invading my space and mind, every sense being assaulted. It’s all together too much for me to comprehend and navigate through. I’m left a dizzying, exhausted, confudled mess.
I feel like I’m actually damaged. My brain is fighting against me, and i it. I desperately want to be happy. It’s a battle we have both been participants in for as long as i can remember. Circumstances, and the way my brain processes and deals with information and events, is just so unnecessarily complex and unhelpful. It ruins everything. Everything nice that i have in life, any occasion i should be looking forward to, any person, any experience that should be anticipated, gets annihilated by the warfare occurring within my head.