Throwing myself into the kids, (my siblings, not my own children). Focusing on them. On my family. Laughing extra loud. Making way more jokes. Being there for them. Pasting a smile on my face, but not because i have to. Because they are my safety net. I do it to survive. It’s just, eventually that false smile will transform into genuine happiness.
The smile that’s just about keeping my insides from falling out, preventing my contents from being splayed across the living room for all to see. All my sadness and shortcomings. My worries and termoil inside. Will ultimately change into what I’m trying so hard to portray. It’s not bad that i fake it. It’s something that I’m grateful for. If it wasn’t for my family, I’d be lay in my bed rerunning old movies of past mistakes. Fortune telling misfortunes that are to come. With no chance of experiencing anything positive.
I push the negative feelings away. You could argue that’s unhealthy, but for me it’s excrusiatingly exhausting to let myself get to that point where i can’t function, where i lose grip on reality. Lose the ability to breathe. When it’s all falling down around me, and the uncertainty and the feeling of loss, the overhelming emotions are swallowing me up.
My family are my tether to what’s bright, what’s right. Where the darkness can’t reside. Where the demons can’t get to me. I’ll happily place myself in this bubble of safety. Surrounded by my family for as long as is possible. Because not only are they what i live for, but because those said demons lay waiting back at home. Looming towards me as the day draws to a close. As i head back…. to the lonliness of my room. They come for me.
I admit i might not have the best coping mechanisms, but they work for me. They give me happiness. Make me feel almost normal. For as long as I’m around my family, the bad and the sadness, dissipate. The horrors, and those vicious thoughts that circle the deep pits of evil that lay dormant in my brain, fade. They can’t reach me when I’m here. My happy place. My safe place.