I’m finding this hard to write. Hard to find the words to accurately describe what I’m trying to convey. Accept that sentence. That actually came quite naturally. Well you have to surprise yourself sometimes…
Anyway. It’s not just the simple “children tasks” i can’t accomplish most days. When it gets to adult duties… not only does my comphension dwindle. My ability to function, and the function of thinking both cease to exist.
The idea of me driving, owning a house, maintaining that house. Organising bills, having to do a full food shop alone, answering the door to people, answering the phone, making phonecalls, keeping on top of my emails, staying home alone at night, staying at home alone any time, actually. Ironing, cooking, putting on the fire, all without constantly worrying about a fire starting. Knowing there’s no one else to check, reassure me. I’d be constantly re-checking if i wasn’t initially too scared to turn them on in the first place. Not to mention the isolation would be the worst thing for anxiety.
Do people comprehend the level of energy i use each day just to barely function? Do they understand that it triples when i have to face things that aren’t in my standard routine?
Standard days require a lot of energy. Convincing myself constantly that something bad won’t happen, just because i did or didn’t do a specific thing. Reminding myself to breathe. Ensuring that i have everything i need in my bag, to avoid a later breakdown.
Making sure my hoodie is washed, as i can’t go out most days without it. Not drinking before i leave. Not eating before i leave. Planning a day where i can have a drink, but feel safe in the knowledge there are toilets near. Planning how to get from a to b and ensuring there are toilets at each checkpoint. Checking i have the right amount of bus fair, handing over a note instead of change grieves me, (because the bus drivers always seem to want to eat your soul when you hand it to them).
Simple things that allow me to have the least amount of stress. They all add up. All of these things i do each morning or night, to set myself up for a day with the least amount of anxiety possible. And that’s just the set up. That’s before i even leave the house.
I have to be constantly vigilent. Awaiting anything that could threaten to cause panic. I have to be always thinking of escape routes, and thinking of anything that could cause a change to plans. Then how to resolve that change in the least anxiety inducing way possible.