Unattainable – All good things shall too come to an end.

So after fighting it off for a week.
My depression is back.
I’ve been going great for over a month.
Since christmas really.

But the last week has been…

I’ve been putting off being alone.
Busying myself.
Ensuring I’ve filled my days with things.
Visiting people.
Focusing on my blog.
Not allowing the bad thoughts to have a chance.

But i couldn’t keep it up.

Eventually, inevitably I’d be alone.

And the first day I was actually alone.

I cracked.

I was okay.

For atleast a month.

More than okay, actually.

And now….

Today and yesterday are the first days that i haven’t gone into group.
The past two days are the first days i can’t face it.
I just don’t have the motivation.

Nothing seems attainable anymore.

I didn’t realise how well i was doing.

Until now.

I turned up to every group.
I was going out with friends.
Spending time with family.
Going out.
More importantly choosing to go out.
Acknowledging where and when i felt best.
Putting myself more and more into positive situations.

I felt normal.

I was actually considering what was best for me.
Going out every day.
I actually wanted to go out.
Be part of a community.
My personal community.
That I’ve tried so hard to build up recently.

Most of my bad habits i had under control.
I don’t mean to sound arrogant…
But i was thriving.

Truly.

I was living with my anxiety.
I was dealing.
I felt supported.
I felt loved.
I felt worthy.
I had strength.
And will.

Now… i feel… substandard.

Inferior. An unworthy, repulsive, pariah.

I feel as though i don’t deserve to try to become part of society again.
I feel like i belong apart.

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21 thoughts on “Unattainable – All good things shall too come to an end.

  1. I just ran into another spout of involuntary sobs and heightened anxiety myself, after a month long break. It’s aggravating because this is my second deep plunge in the past eight months. I hate to see you are feeling so low. Do you have a go-to activity? Or maybe a new one is what you need. I have taken up exercise in the past few months and just found some Zumba discs I cannot wait to try. If you need, I can send you videos of how terrible my attempt is sure to be. πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I know exactly how you feel! After ages of being okay and not randomly getting panicky and not just feeling zero motivation it just annoys me that its happened. I feel bad for letting it happen but at the same time i tried to fight it so hard. Usually i go round my parents if i feel myself slipping, but i need to find things to do when I’m alone really, because thats when its worse. But i do go and take photos usually or write. But i kinda didnt even feel like doing that those two days. I’m back at my parents now though for the weekend so things are looking up. I don’t think it’s as awful as i initially thought. I just need to push myself to stay busy! Also im sure youll do zumba just fine. I’ve heard its supposed to be fun! πŸ˜‚ I’d probably get out of breath straight away! But I’m sure you’ll enjoy it πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m glad you have a good relationship with your parents and they ease things for you. I find that my family tries to minimize my mental health so I don’t share my life with them anymore. Writing my blog and sharing with strangers is the best relief I’ve felt in years. So I thank you for your posts which keep me feeling like I’m not as alone as I thought I was.

        Liked by 2 people

      2. I am not completely honest about how bad it is with my parents. They know about my anxiety. I just don’t want people to know how bad i can feel at times. Especially when you can’t explain why you feel like it, just that you do. They help just by being there, so i dont feel the need to explain exactly the extent of my mental health. It’s different sharing it on here. Because you all understand. And I’m sure they’d help and talk about it and try to understand. But honestly when I’m with my parents and siblings i feel safe and i dont feel that bad at all. Its when I’m alone that i feel that awful. So i dont see the need in sharing the dark details. Because i have people that can relate to help me when I’m alone if that makes sense. I just don’t want people to worry about me. Because i can imagine how bad hearing a loved one is struggling and knowing you cant help. I understand why you wouldn’t share with your family if you feel they treat it that way. But there’s a whole community on here where you can always turn to for support and advice! And who knows maybe some day your family will be more open to the idea of mental health and you’ll feel you can share with them❀

        Liked by 1 person

  2. We all get days when our mental health problems sneak up on us out of nowhere, it’s even worse when you’ve been doing so well, but you just gotta remind yourself of all that you’ve achieved and keep fighting the depression with every thing you have got because it will get better again and you will become even stronger once it does.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks. I think i just got really worked up because I’d being so well. And i wasnt sure I’d get back up, because i was just so sad that I’d slipped back into that dark place. It’s amazing what a day and support can do. I’m with my parents again,seeing all my siblings and it all seems so silly that i felt so hopeless. I was really certain i was going to feel awful for a long time like in the past but today i actually feel better. I just need to not get into that negative place again. Thanks again for your supportive words!

      Liked by 2 people

  3. I’m sorry you’ve landed there again–

    It sounds very much like the way I feel when my fibromyalgia kicks my ass, in that it seems to sneak up on me, I hate it, and I feel like I’m a failure for it happening. But we aren’t failures and the sun will shine again…and meanwhile we just need to be nice to ourselves and take a hot bath or watch a funny movie or something… I watched High Anxiety with Mel Brooks a couple of days ago, and Spy last night. I love silliness.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks, I did take a nice bath. With really nice bath bombs and i listened to Ed Sheeran and just relaxed. I’m sorry to hear you feel that way sometimes, and that you have to deal with that. But i think we both need to remember its not our fault its just something that happens. Sometimes we can’t manage and that’s okay to admit that. We aren’t failures. We’re just struggling at that particular time. Thankyou for sharing your story with me. It makes me feel less alone. Also I love spy! Its a hillarious film! I shall have to watch it again soon.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m sorry for the difficult time you are in. 😒 You are most definitely worthy! However much it feels bad now, you will get through this temporary state. Just like how things going well can turn bad, the bad can become good again. Hang in here. πŸ’ž

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thankyou! I honestly feel in a completely different headspace today. I don’t know how long it will last but i know i prefer this state over yesterdays. So I’m going to try my hardest to stay this way. Keep busy and keep going out. I’m going to fight it!πŸ’œ

      Liked by 1 person

  5. It seems so wrong to ‘like’ this post.
    It’s hard to imagine things getting better when you’re in the middle of feeling so bad, but depression is not a constant, things change and you will have better days ahead. Look after yourself x

    Liked by 1 person

  6. So pleased you’re feeling better, it’s a tough thing to work through. I had to go back to basics a few weeks back with my relapse prevention plan which has helped. Lots of self care and minimising stress. Take care x

    Liked by 1 person

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