So after fighting it off for a week.
My depression is back.
I’ve been going great for over a month.
Since christmas really.
But the last week has been…
I’ve been putting off being alone.
Ensuring I’ve filled my days with things.
Focusing on my blog.
Not allowing the bad thoughts to have a chance.
But i couldn’t keep it up.
Eventually, inevitably I’d be alone.
And the first day I was actually alone.
I was okay.
For atleast a month.
More than okay, actually.
Today and yesterday are the first days that i haven’t gone into group.
The past two days are the first days i can’t face it.
I just don’t have the motivation.
Nothing seems attainable anymore.
I didn’t realise how well i was doing.
I turned up to every group.
I was going out with friends.
Spending time with family.
More importantly choosing to go out.
Acknowledging where and when i felt best.
Putting myself more and more into positive situations.
I felt normal.
I was actually considering what was best for me.
Going out every day.
I actually wanted to go out.
Be part of a community.
My personal community.
That I’ve tried so hard to build up recently.
Most of my bad habits i had under control.
I don’t mean to sound arrogant…
But i was thriving.
I was living with my anxiety.
I was dealing.
I felt supported.
I felt loved.
I felt worthy.
I had strength.
Now… i feel… substandard.
Inferior. An unworthy, repulsive, pariah.
I feel as though i don’t deserve to try to become part of society again.
I feel like i belong apart.