This morning, i woke up and wanted to go out. I wanted to be out there, maybe not be around people, but there was a definite desire to leave the house. This is still new to me at times. The want, and need to leave the house, after years of fearing the outside. Still there i was at 10am, yearning to be out there.
To be more specific, be out there with my camera. You see i have this relationship with my camera, bear with me… it’s not as weird as it sounds! It’s just it changes me, in the sense that i push myself when I’m taking pictures. I know i do push myself a lot more now in general anyway, but when i have my camera, even when I’m scared or sad. I push on.
I haven’t managed to go very far alone still, just the field near my house, trust me though… that’s an improvement! I’m working on it, as it could be key to me leaving the house independently on a more regular basis. I’m much better when I’m with others, i get far less panicky. Then adding my camera into the mix, means for a somewhat better experience. Freaking out and having to go to the toilet every half an hour or less, is not how i guess my friends wish to spend their time with me.
So yes, taking photos, having that focus, takes my mind of my usual fears. Makes me feel more capable to go out for sure. The downside of this being that I’m still not the best company. Yes, I’m not as panicky, but i also have no concentration for conversation. It’s all centered on my camera, my surroundings. I surrender myself to the photographer within me. I search, i see, i shoot. Talking is an afterthought. See my predicament?
Needs company to take photos…. is awful company when taking photos…
So… getting back to this earlier power that i mentioned, the one i have when behind my camera. To be able to push myself. I’m not quite sure if i actually do have this. I mean i do fight on… that’s true. I just don’t know if I’ve found strength to control my brain, and be in control. Instead of caving under the pressure, allowing myself to be anxious.
Or if infact, If it’s just my overwhelming need to get the best shots i can. Overide my urge to panic and run, in aid to get the perfect pictures. I personally think it’s my inner perfectionist, it won’t let go. It fights the anxiety to get what it wants.
This sounds great right? Overcoming my anxiety. However, it’s this very perfectionist inside me that allows me… no forces me into bad situations, usually leading to negative consequences. I’ve probably made that sound much more sinister than the truth. I’ll give an example in my next post.