The reality behind the pictures.

On monday i stood atop of this hill. Looking down. Looking at how beautiful where i live really is. I try as much as i can to experience the outside. Sometimes i struggle and that sucks. Recently I’ve not really wanted to leave the house. Monday was an example of this… but i did despite the nagging urge to reside in my bed for eternity. I knew I’d see my friend, and i knew I’d feel better in doing so. I did feel better, and i got to take some great pictures too. It was actually going rather productive. However half way through i just stopped.

I stopped enjoying my freedom. Stopped gazing at my surroundings. Stopped appreciating the company i had. I just stopped trying all together i think. I felt awful because people know don’t they, when you just give up putting on the “all is well” act. Well some people do. So what was going to be an inspirational post about how lucky i am to live in a place that suits my passions so well…. turns out to be a mismatched post about how I’m still fucking up. I stopped going to my groups stopped going out alone.

Everything was well last month. Settled. I was making leaps and pushing myself. Willingly wanting to go out. To better myself. I had the confidence and self motivation. The willpower. It all seemed so natural. Now though. Everything seems so much effort. The smallest decisions. The tiniest actions. It all frazzles me out. I’m unbalanced and my coping strategies aren’t the best.

I’m scared. “This is it. I won’t get back up from this one. This is gonna be the one where i won’t be able rebuild myself after.” That’s how i feel. Everything i planned. All the big ideas. Now seem so distant, out of my reach… I’ll carry on as you have to. I only hope i feel myself again soon. That every thing doesn’t feel like a chore. That i can be happy, and experience my life the way i was. Regain some order, and continue my journey.

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4 thoughts on “The reality behind the pictures.

  1. I understand. And I don’t want to allow myself out into public when I’m in a mood where I just want to tell everyone to eff off for the smallest thing. LOL

    I’m finally getting to the point where I can at least ride the waves of all the negative feelings and know they’ll run out of steam eventually and I’ll feel better.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Im glad its not just me. I feel awful cos its not like me to be like that, i can hold my tongue usually. I get snappy with my siblings too over nothing and thats what bothers me the most. I find myself doing it and think… ugh this isnt who i want to be. I know its just cos im mentally exhausted and i dont have the energy to be fully present. But all the same i hate being like that. Its never anything horrid. Usually just “can you stop leaning on me” or “stop jumping around”. But usually i wouldnt just snap. And i just hate it that i get that worked up that i get to that point that i take it out on others. -_-

      Liked by 1 person

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