I post different things on here. Each piece i write is more or less connected to me that the last. What i mean to say is, some pieces are deep and i feel like I’ve poured my soul out onto the page in order to create them. I’ve dug within me to the darkest places, the places people don’t see nor understand, and I’ve shared them. It’s these posts that worry me though. For if people do not like them, in essence they don’t like me. As that post basically is me in writing form.
Other posts i invest less emotion in. Don’t get me wrong i invest in all of my pieces. Some are just general though, conveying anxiety and depression in a way i know most can connect with. Sharing ideas and feelings, that i know most people who read this blog have experienced. The posts where i open up and include personal experiences, (ones that i often hide in my real life) are the issue. I’m not sure so many people can relate to these as they’re not so commonly spoken about.
My “embarrassing” posts shall i call them, as i feel they’re not so acceptable as other topics to discuss, include some pretty awkward facts. They’re unpleasant and sometimes uncomfortable to read. I could write poems to explain how i feel. These other, grittier, real life posts though… they’re truest to me.
If people think I’m wrong for being brutally honest about how depression and anxiety affects me. Well i guess that’s okay, but i don’t think I’m wrong, and judging by the comments I’ve recieved on my previous post… people seem to like this honest approach. I felt so scared about opening up. Fearing that because it’s about things that not everyone talks about when mentioning mental illness. It’s not the obvious sadness and loneliness, it might not be what people feel comfortable reading about.
For so long i have debated. I thought people would think I’m lazy, I’m gross, or plainly just messed up, for both mentioning these topics and also actually experiencing them. I’m going to see the response the more “embarrassing” posts get. Depending on the outcome, I’ll decide whether or not to include posts that tell of my personal experiences more often.
Anyone can feel free to comment whatever they wish. Do not get me wrong I’m not trying to prevent people from having their opinions. I’m not warning people to not comment, infact I’d highly appreciate your input! I simply just need to gauge people’s thoughts on the content i post. I don’t want to share intimate and personal moments, if people aren’t interested. If people would just prefer the more acceptable/relateable content i understand.
It’s just if i can help one person by opening up about something uncomfortable and embarrassing, then I’m okay in doing so. As not only would it help them, it helps me in knowing I’m not alone. I often feel so alienated. Explaining thought processes, and the actions you take due to how your brain functions, is so hard more often than not to explain to everyday people. People that are lucky enough not to have to go through these things every day. The adaptations people who suffer from any mental illness make to be able to survive, and also the sacrifices.
I want this blog to have no feelings of shame, and no negativity… ironic i know since it’s about depression. I mean in the sense of no one will be judged, and if anyone can find help here then I’m happy. I’ve achieved my goal. I don’t want to be ashamed anymore. I’ve lost so many friendships because i couldn’t explain that i need to go to the toilet multiple times before leaving the house, or I’m late because i sat screaming at myself because I’m not normal. I’m different, and i want to try and allow myself to feel comfortable with that. I can make this a safe space where no one has to feel left out. Everybody feels accepted and warrented. We all function differently, we all cope in our own ways and that’s magical. We adapt and survive. It’s beautiful to see how people have soldiered on and come out stronger than ever. All stories and questions are welcome. I want to be able to break down the embarrassment and the feelings of shame we might sometimes feel.
I’ve gone on enough, I’m just passionate about this. I will reply to every comment made on this blog. I want to give myself more purpose. I want to do something good. I also want to help myself, discussing mental health with others who understand is my best way of doing that. So here’s to honesty, safety, comfort, support. I really need a focus in my life and i want this to be it.