Another failed attempt

Yunno when you have something really good in your life. But your brain tells you it’s going to end and that you can’t keep it up. Eventually the real you will come through and break this picture of perfect happiness. So you push it down and down, this little voice in your head. But… then there’s this little trickle of doubt that the voice has created. Over the duration of the day things happen which add to that doubt. To others these things may seem inconsequential and unimportant. To you they seem like huge craters laying claim to your plan of perfect happiness. So you start to numb yourself. Layer by layer, the walls go up. Your heart has a coat of pure ice around it. Your brain switches. You know the consequences. You know you’ll regret it later. But you can’t stop yourself. You can’t reach that happy place. You can’t find logic. You can’t reason with you brain or think about the outcome. You know it’s bad, but you just can’t find it in you to care. So word by word. You build up that barrier. Insult after insult, you build the gap that will be set in stone after you return to normal. After, you start to think again in you regular pattern… the damage is done though. Those hurtful comments. Those things you dug so deep into the coldest, darkest part of you to say to someone. They haven’t disappeared. You have returned to yourself. The aftermath is all around though. Your path of destruction has stolen those closest. You’re left empty. Desperate for some kind of second chance. Though you know it’s undeserved. As you’ll do this again and again. For it’s all you know. It’s all you can do. Put it off as you might. It always comes back to this. You will always be alone. People can try. You’re too damaged. How can you return to normal after you acted so horrifically, towards someone you cared so much for. I wish I had the answers. I fear I never will. I fear I shall forever be this way, and that I will never have a friend or a partner. I am incapable. Happiness is something I can’t live with. I’m forever anticipating the end of it. So much so, that I bring the end upon myself. I hate myself more than anyone else ever could. I hate the person I can be. I HATE THAT I WON’T EVER LET MYSELF BE HAPPY.

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