My First Blog Post of 2020

It’s currently 6:44 a.m. I’ve been awake since 5:00 a.m. I just figured I would share some of my thoughts. I really neglected this blog, I used come here all the time and post about my life. 2018 was a turning point for me, in both a good and bad way. In the sense that I hit rock bottom, and I really, really thought it was the end… I didn’t see any way of getting past it. My anxiety was the worst it had been, my OCD was devastating, and I was having terrible thoughts, and disillusions about the world, and my place in it. It was a really dark time, and I slipped away from my family… and fell hard into the world of online reality, and even harder into the arms of strangers, and negativity.

Coming on here and commenting to people’s replies felt like it was a necessity at this point. I felt that I was forced to do it. It made me not come on here in the end. I avoided it as I avoid everything else that feels scary and daunting. I’ve written on here a few times since then, but not consistently, nothing solid. I used to put my whole life into this blog, it used to be everything… but it just caught up with me. I couldn’t cope anymore, it was sucking the life out of me. I didn’t have the energy to put into it. I would wake up and look at views and comments, and just feel awful if I wasn’t having a lot of views. I let it consume me, and that was not the idea of this blog. The idea was to connect with others, and to not feel alone. To help others, to let them feel like they had support… but at the end of the day it wasn’t good for me. I got two engrossed in it, and I was just in a time in my life where everything was spiralling. I was all over the place, making terrible decisions, pushing everybody away.

It sounds bad when I say this, but I couldn’t face having to constantly reassure people. I mean the aim of my blog was to make people feel ok, but a lot of the time I wasn’t feeling ok. Seeing other’s sadness just pulled me further into the darkness that was surrounding me. I still felt like I had to be there for others, and honestly it was just too much for me, when I couldn’t even be there for myself. I’m scared to do it again. That’s why I’ve avoided it so harshly, I don’t want to be in that position again. I don’t want to put that much pressure on myself, so now I just write a post and leave it. I don’t really want to be like that, I want to be a person that checks their posts, a person that communicates with their followers, the people that take the time to read my posts. I want to show how grateful I am, but I can’t face being in that position again. I can’t face going back to that place where it just took everything out of me. I didn’t enjoy going on here anymore, it felt like I had to do it. That actually makes me sad, so occasionally I might post on here. I have a lot to say, a lot of the time.

Looking back I feel really awful that I let something that should have been a positive outlet, takeover and turn into something monstrous. I’m sure it wasn’t just this blog that attributed to my downwards turn in mental health. I’m pretty sure it was what was going on in my life as well. My OCD just took a turn in the worst way, I had to hit rock bottom to understand that I’m in a much better place now. I was able to get to a point where I am grateful for what I have. Without being that low in the past, I think I wouldn’t be able to see how far I’ve come now. I wouldn’t grasp the importance of opening up, and pushing myself, not in a bad way, but in an encouraging way. A way that helped me. I pushed myself to talk to people, (in person). To face reality, escape the online life I constantly retreated to… I pushed myself to go out… even if it was just to the shop. To normalise myself with going out and speaking to people. To normalise talking about mental health.

I’ve found much better coping strategies, and actually take on board what my therapist says to me now. I have a much better support bubble too. I guess if I hadn’t hit that rock bottom point, I wouldn’t know a better way if living. I would have just been stuck in the old ways, not being motivated to change. I think it hit a point where I felt I had no choice but to take that leap, and make a change. It was slow, and I made a lot of mistakes, but eventually I gravitated to a place I am happy and belong.

This blog really helped me me end the stigma for myself, regarding mental health. I think it put faith in the fact that people would understand, and that if they didn’t, that I could teach them, explain how stuff affects me. Even if they don’t 100-percent understand, they can appreciate how hard it is for me. Maybe not fully comprehend, but at least partially. Hopefully understanding the reason I am the way I am, and the reason I do stuff the way I do. I think all in all this blog made me realise that I don’t care if people think that I’m faking, I don’t care if people judge me. I’m going to say if I’ve got a problem mentally… and speaking here on this blog is what got me to understand that I can be open. Not everyone will judge, most will even help. I achieved acceptance, and I found the courage to explain how I was feeling. Not just online, but in person too. Where I could actually get the help I needed. It hit home and made me feel brave enough to actually say in person, that I wasn’t doing great. Step over that line of embarrassment and shame and say “actually I really need help. I have been struggling for a long time. I am scared I won’t recover this time.”

So now 2 years on and coronavirus is my biggest problem, as I’m sure it is for most people. Since it’s 2020, I figured I had to bring that up. I’m not going to apologize if this blog doesn’t seem like my older ones. I’m not even sure if people that were around when I first started this will still be here. So I’m not even sure if that comparison will be viable, but previously I would write, and rewrite these posts… I would just have so many drafts, that wouldn’t be perfect. When I did post, I would have to find the perfect words, so I felt like it was perfect piece of writing… if that even exists. I would be so hard on myself, and I think that was another reason why I couldn’t do it anymore. As I said there was just a lot of pressure, and not coming from anybody on here you’re all amazing… I put it on myself.

I put pressure on myself all the time, to be perfect, to do stuff right. It really does get to me. I find it really hard to work, or do anything that is for somebody else… even doing hobbies, I’ve only just realised how to paint something for myself. To create something to please myself, not to meet anybody else’s standards. I’m sure most people don’t even put that pressure on me, that they don’t even have high standards for me… I just create the standards out of fear. Fear that it’s not going to be good enough, that I’m not going to be good enough. That’s one of my problems I’m worried I’m not going to be good enough, that what I produce is not of a high enough quality. It is something that I put on myself, which is one of the biggest reasons why I stopped posting on here. It’s one of the reasons I don’t post on Instagram that much. I have to be in the right mindset, because I have to post these pristine posts… because that’s how my brain works. I couldn’t post anything on here that wasn’t using the correct grammar. That didn’t have perfect punctuation. I would go online and find synonyms of words just to get the best sounding sentences. The thing is, I think people would have read it anyway. Even as I am saying that, I’m scared it’s not true. That people won’t like this piece, because it’s not been kept in a draft, and edited for months.

That said I’ve actually written this through the microphone on my phone, so that all I have to do is go through and put full stops in… and edit the inevitable spelling mistakes. I’ve always been one to use extravagant words on a whole anyway. When it comes to writing, it’s no different, it’s a way to express myself. I have always used quirky and odd phrases, and I love that about myself. At the same time, sometimes I just want to speak normally though, just explain myself, with no flare. To not always put pressure on myself to be that person that uses grand words. Don’t get me wrong, that is part of me… but sometimes it is tiring to do that constantly. I also know that I’ve said pressure so many times, but I can’t think of another word and previous to this I would have written synonyms of pressure on google, and then used different words. This is just going to be raw though so I will just have to leave pressure in. I guess if you don’t like it then that’s valid, but I am sure some people will like it. So that’s ok too.

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