My Perfectly Imperfect Body!

So these two pictures show me at very different sizes. So you would be tempted to think I was much happier when I was thin. That I am much more depressed because I’m fat now… You would be very, very wrong. You see in the first picture, everything I ate came straight back out. I was that anxious 24/7 that my poo was like liquid 99% of the time. I also couldn’t go out most places unless I went to the toilet about 10 times before leaving the house. I definitely couldn’t go out if I knew there were no toilets where I was going. Whenever I would go anywhere I had to google first to see if there were any toilet facilities there. When I would get to wherever we were going, I would scan the place to makesure I could see the toilets and would always stay near them.

I would half attempt to enjoy myself, while half of me was telling me to abort and run for the toilet. Every time I went out it was a constant battle. I had to push myself to carry on and only allow myself to go to the toilet at certain intervals. The amount of panic attacks I had back then. Going in cars, or anywhere where I had to be “caged in” or couldn’t get to a toilet, caused me severe anxiety… then of course I would need the toilet more. Many a time I was enduring a panic attack while out with my family, and I just had to carry on. Talk my way through it, anything just to focus on something other than my extreme need to just run away and cry. Honestly my siblings helped me so much, I would concentrate on them and put all of my energy into talking to them.

At this point my OCD wasn’t at it’s peak but it was still present. So while I was having panic attacks and suffering with my depression, I was self harming. (This was one of the first pictures of me wearing shorts, purely because I couldn’t wear them previous to this because my cuts would show). At this point I think they were scarred up, but the temptation to resort to self harm to cope when things got overwhelming was still strong.

Talking of coping… it was at this point, when I was skinny and wore make up and low cut tops… that I would meet random men, online. I was too scared to go out to have the chance to meet people normally, say like in a pub or in a shop. Nope I met my men online. Then engaged in intimate relationships more or less straight away. As I was sure they would leave, so I kind of did it so they would stay, but also because I knew they would leave. I was so dependent on other people’s approval and company. I lived online. I felt like 2 seperate people. I had my online life where I would just be an actual slut and really degrade myself. Then real life I would try to be the best sister, and daughter I could.

I really didn’t have any personal interests other than watching netflix. No hobbies, I put everything I had into my family and my online life. Every day I couldn’t stand being alone. That’s when I would drink. Alone, in my room. As if it wasn’t bad enough, I also would get drunk when meeting people. I couldn’t face leaving the house sober. Even if it was a couple of bottles. I needed it to go out the house. Or if I had a bad day… or if someone wouldn’t talk to me. I had these online “friends” that basically used me. I would cry, and drink, and self harm when they left or found me “too full on and overwhelming”.

This was also around the time that when I met these people from the internet I would grow attached so quickly. They would be my everything, then when they inevitably left I would return to my negative coping strategies and I was back to square one. Onto the next person to talk to. I abhorred being alone. I hated my own company. I had no social skills. I would post online looking so pretty and made up, deep down I didn’t leave the house. I was so unbelievably sad. Hiding everything from my family. Having nobody to talk to. Skipping my meds. Not eating, overeating, unprotected sex, drinking, selfharm, meeting strangers in the Chase to drink, going round people’s houses that I had never met before. If they had alcohol I would be there. When I didn’t have the money to get myself I would meet others for it, I literally offered to do intimate stuff with someone for alcohol. I just wanted to numb everything.

I felt everything then nothing. I would be feeling so great, then crash down. So wouldn’t say I was happier back then. I threw away all of my friendships. Created fake online ones with people that didn’t care about me. Pushed everyone away. Used horrible coping strategies. I was so scared back then, and alone. I would walk around in the dark ouside, crying and desperate for it to end. Too scared to go home. I would base my worth on whether someone spoke to me. Everytime someone online stopped talking, I would spiral again. Sometimes I didn’t even have a real life. I spent months just in bed talking online, forgetting to eat most days.

So yeah I see how far I have come. I am proud of what I have accomplished. I do get sad that my body isn’t like that anymore. However, I have learnt and changed. I have become a better person. I help others yes, but I do what I need for myself too. If I need alone time I take it. I want to go for a walk I do it. I want to talk to family I do it. I worked hard and forced myself to get through an awful time. I still feel terrible some days, but I have come so far. So I do get sad that I am not skinny anymore, but this body has carried me through so much. It’s undergone a real number of haircuts, and had a ton of piercing punches through it. It’s done a great job. So it’s fatter now. It’s got stretch marks and, it sweats like all the time… seriously my boobs are just like sweat bags most the time. Does it matter though? My siblings still love me. My Mom and Dad, Nan and Gramps, Dayle. They all still love me. I’m fat and happy and they love me.

So does size really matter? If I lose weight am I worth more? No! Is it okay to lose weight? Yes. Do I have to? Not if I don’t wish to! If I lost weight now it would be for health reasons, not for looks. Honestly I do feel too big at times, but I realise it’s not the be all and end all. If I want to lose weight I can. I should only do it for me though, because I want to, not because I am shamed into it. Or because I am made to not feel less than I am. Just because I am fat doesn’t mean I am not worthy. I am more worthy now than I was when I was thin. Purely because I am making better choices. Size, age, colour, gender… doesn’t matter, it’s who you decide to be and the impact you have on those around you. Give happiness and create goodness in the world.

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