I realise my last couple of posts were about the the same topic. I keep feeling the need to share more, add to what I’ve already written. I think deep down i believe if i open up about certain issues, i will feel less strange. More accepted? Also maybe i can try to figure out why i do some of the things i do. I feel this is a safe space… so.
Taking a picture of myself? (after the makeup performance is completed of course.) Perfectionist me won’t be content until i take the perfect picture. To show my friend’s and family that I’m doing perfectly fine! I too am a functioning human being! Just like everyone else! I’m not a self loathing slob, who puts zero effort into anything, because my head won’t agree to just let me be…
Anyway perfect picture ? Well if course… that’s only 1-2 hours of posing just so. Breathing in. No one can know I’m 16 stone! I mean you can clearly see from my three chins and chubby cheeks, but cover my arms up with a cardigan… they’ll never know.
(This is usually where perfectionist me takes over, and won’t relent.)
“Place your head like so, angle it just right, disguise how nauseating your neck and chins are… Now hold you arms in that position, cover up how vomit-inducing they are! Keep your lips in a half smile, half pressed pose, hide the weird shape they naturally they are, smile! Make them look full! Keep your cheeks like that! Show your dimples! Distract from the fact that your face is an abomination! Oh my god! What are you doing? Don’t you dare spoil that lipstick… do you want to spend 15 minute’s doing it over again. You know I’ll make you!
Okay so! Eyes looking at the camera. Widen them! Big open eyes! Not too much, you need to show off that eyeliner! Why do you have to have such horrifically small eyelids! Damn it! Stop your hands from shaking! Breathe in!!! Don’t get that revolting stomach in. Ugh! Now your tops uneven. Got to show cleavage. Take attention away from that face of yours. Atleast there’s something half decent about these pictures… and even thats fake!
Start again. Okay, okay! Lips. Arms. Ugh! Glasses. Steaming up. Why do you have to have weird eyes, why can’t you just have contact lenses… never mind, the glasses hide your vile excuse for a face. Boys may actually think you’re cute atleast with those… Okay, ready! Hold the pose. Glasses unfogged. Pose, pose, pose! Take! Then repeat that torturous facade 100 more times. Then we can later analyse them, and i can call attention to every imperfection for you.
Those 100 pictures. Wittled down to three. Now edit the hell out of those. Then, and only then can you upload them! No one will know the effort you go through darling. Only you know you’re lying.
Oh except everyone who knows you in person, they clearly know you’re not even close to looking as good as you do in those pictures. Never mind, keep convincing yourself.
Just don’t think about the people who will be disappointed when they see you in the flesh, after seeing your pictures. You’re so disgusting! You’re a fraud! Why do you think this okay?! I suppose it’s all you can do when you look as vile as you do…
You realise that people will look at your uploads and think they’re over edited and that you’re fake! If they don’t think that, they’ll think you’re a tease, that you’re slutty… desperate.”
Look how shallow you are, you look like a pig in person! They all know that. Everyone knows that! What was the point of it all?! You wasted all that time… you’ve uploaded it and guess what… they all know you’re only posing that way to hide how fat you really are! Maybe if you ate less you wouldn’t have to fake it! You’d be happier!
You’d not have to wear that hideous hoodie to hide your repulsive face! You’d have men interested in you! You wouldn’t be ashamed to leave the house! People wouldn’t be ashamed to be seen with you! You’d be worthy. You could try clothes on… You could wear nice things… Not look like a vile, disgusting excuse for a human being…”
Oh… and an after thought for you…
Just think, if you’re that undesirable once you’ve invested so much time to look thay way… spent so much time editing… how revolting must you be in the first place. You’re right to give up trying. You have no hope.
Everyone sees you for the pathetic, foul, slob that you are! They don’t see how hard you try to be kind. How you try to be there for others. How, each day you fight on, and aim to be as helpful and good as you can. You think they see you! See how you feel, how happy they make you feel. They don’t!
They see your exterior! That abhorrent, repugnant, execrable exterior and they think that’s you! No one will ever see past that! So by extention you, yourself, every fiber of you is insufferable! How can someone be so dispicable yet so concieted at the same time?!
(This is when my inner perfectionist leaves. After making me spend hours taking and editing my pictures. They, of course couldn’t be uploaded until she was satisfied…. satiated. I’m left to dwell on the whole exhausting, soul destroying experience.)
Then people wonder why i just don’t even attempt to try. Would you see the point?