Opening up – Can we make this an honest, supportive, strong, safe community?

I post different things on here. Each piece i write is more or less connected to me that the last. What i mean to say is, some pieces are deep and i feel like I’ve poured my soul out onto the page in order to create them. I’ve dug within me to the darkest places, the places people don’t see nor understand, and I’ve shared them. It’s these posts that worry me though. For if people do not like them, in essence they don’t like me. As that post basically is me in writing form.

Other posts i invest less emotion in. Don’t get me wrong i invest in all of my pieces. Some are just general though, conveying anxiety and depression in a way i know most can connect with. Sharing ideas and feelings, that i know most people who read this blog have experienced. The posts where i open up and include personal experiences, (ones that i often hide in my real life) are the issue. I’m not sure so many people can relate to these as they’re not so commonly spoken about.

My “embarrassing” posts shall i call them, as i feel they’re not so acceptable as other topics to discuss, include some pretty awkward facts. They’re unpleasant and sometimes uncomfortable to read. I could write poems to explain how i feel. These other, grittier, real life posts though… they’re truest to me.

If people think I’m wrong for being brutally honest about how depression and anxiety affects me. Well i guess that’s okay, but i don’t think I’m wrong, and judging by the comments I’ve recieved on my previous post… people seem to like this honest approach. I felt so scared about opening up. Fearing that because it’s about things that not everyone talks about when mentioning mental illness. It’s not the obvious sadness and loneliness, it might not be what people feel comfortable reading about.

For so long i have debated. I thought people would think I’m lazy, I’m gross, or plainly just messed up, for both mentioning these topics and also actually experiencing them. I’m going to see the response the more “embarrassing” posts get. Depending on the outcome, I’ll decide whether or not to include posts that tell of my personal experiences more often.

Anyone can feel free to comment whatever they wish. Do not get me wrong I’m not trying to prevent people from having their opinions. I’m not warning people to not comment, infact I’d highly appreciate your input! I simply just need to gauge people’s thoughts on the content i post. I don’t want to share intimate and personal moments, if people aren’t interested. If people would just prefer the more acceptable/relateable content i understand.

It’s just if i can help one person by opening up about something uncomfortable and embarrassing, then I’m okay in doing so. As not only would it help them, it helps me in knowing I’m not alone. I often feel so alienated. Explaining thought processes, and the actions you take due to how your brain functions, is so hard more often than not to explain to everyday people. People that are lucky enough not to have to go through these things every day. The adaptations people who suffer from any mental illness make to be able to survive, and also the sacrifices.

I want this blog to have no feelings of shame, and no negativity… ironic i know since it’s about depression. I mean in the sense of no one will be judged, and if anyone can find help here then I’m happy. I’ve achieved my goal. I don’t want to be ashamed anymore. I’ve lost so many friendships because i couldn’t explain that i need to go to the toilet multiple times before leaving the house, or I’m late because i sat screaming at myself because I’m not normal. I’m different, and i want to try and allow myself to feel comfortable with that. I can make this a safe space where no one has to feel left out. Everybody feels accepted and warrented. We all function differently, we all cope in our own ways and that’s magical. We adapt and survive. It’s beautiful to see how people have soldiered on and come out stronger than ever. All stories and questions are welcome. I want to be able to break down the embarrassment and the feelings of shame we might sometimes feel.

I’ve gone on enough, I’m just passionate about this. I will reply to every comment made on this blog. I want to give myself more purpose. I want to do something good. I also want to help myself, discussing mental health with others who understand is my best way of doing that. So here’s to honesty, safety, comfort, support. I really need a focus in my life and i want this to be it.

Advertisements

I danced with the devil, and i survived.

He lays in wait, sniffing around.

Hidden in the shadows, a blood thirsty hound.

Eluding the darkness is my forte.

Chasing me is the devil’s foreplay.

Each time i battle through his realm.

Injuries occur, with my brain at the helm.

When i darkened his doorstep, i was weak and broken.

Now i arise, wearing his token.

The marks left by his torture tools.

I wear boldy to prove, i broke the rules.

I danced with the devil, and i survived.

I shook hands with death, and I’m still alive.

The “simple” task of bathing.

I know this is going to sound strange, (and i know it’s definitely something i shouldn’t put on the internet), but in my life i have this weird battle with bathing… (yes you read that right) let me explain. You see if I’m really particularly depressed i won’t bathe for a long time. I just can’t do it. I know there’s some of you out there who will understand this. I think i can explain why i have this odd relationship with bathing, but I’m more than aware I’ll sound crazy… (or crazier at least).

Okay so my attempt of explaining goes as follows, i get into this slump where i just can’t face doing anything. Decisions are crushing me from every direction. I smell bad, my bed smells bad, my hair is a horror show. All of this adds to my self hate, and my self worth falls through the floor. The bath is my enemy… this is where it gets weird (if it isn’t already).

I am scared to have a bath, because in my head a bath represents the cleaning of my soul, not just my body. I can sit in that bath i feel refreshed, ready to start anew. However after so long of not bathing i fear it. For doing so, stepping in that water means i can’t dwell and hide, and be a coward anymore. I have to push through, clean off this sadness. Feel the life and freshness of the water. Feel positive and at peace.

I just can’t do that when i feel truly down, because i don’t have the mental capacity to deal with what comes after the bath. Styling my hair, finding new clothes, changing my bed sheets. That’s just the immediate future. As for successfully reintegrating into real life and facing the world, in the days to follow. If you aren’t in the right head space, you can’t possibly comprehend undergoing such pressure… nevermind focusing on keeping positive. If I’m not in the right frame of mind, it just gives me more time to hate myself, a free for all for all the bad thoughts to seep into my naked skin. Then it’s too exhausting and i resent the idea all together.

That being said i feel as though there’s no point in leaving my bed and washing. I’ll bathe and sort myself out, but the next day i won’t have the will power or mental strength to do anything productive. It would just be an endless loop of bathe, bed, bathe, bed. In this instance the bathing part would do nothing for me, it would be forced. Which would be completely detrimental, because it’s often one of the only things that can push me back into the light. As i before mentioned, the idea of it washing away the darkness and sins, releases me into a new day and a new way of life. Until of course the next time i get depressed.

So I’ve rationalised that i need to wait until I’m in the correct mindset. Only then can i get myself out of this rut. To be able to follow up on it, and persevere. This way having a bath actually helps thrust me deeper into that positive frame of mind. Until then i don’t feel worthy of bathing. Only when i feel I’m ready to face things and power through can i allow myself too.

The thing is… once I’m in that mind of, “i can do this, life is well, I’m not going to drown”. I can have so many baths. I want them twice a day sometimes! I cannot identify this as normal behaviour, it is however a behaviour that keeps me on track. Every day that i have a bath, I’m still winning. It’s different from before with the forced baths, when I’m sad. In this instance i desire to bathe, because my whole outlook has changed. The implications in doing so have switched, i no longer associate the bath with negative feelings.

I’m sure this whole post appears as ramblings of a mad person. I’m positive its utterly illogical, but i also know what works for me. I know it’s possibly a terrible way of coping and functioning. The key aspect of it all though is, i am somewhat coping, i think. As for functioning, that’s something we all do in our own special way.

So for me, this is a the story of my never ending conflict of emotions regarding my bath. Sometimes it’s my saviour, sometimes it’s my enemy. It sees the real me, the raw me. It sees my truest self. Fancy that, an object knowing me better than any human. I guess that happens pretty often actually, something inanimate knowing our real fears, moreso than humans. For me it realises my setbacks, and propels me into the world again after being in the darkness for so long, and for now I’m okay with that.

Untitled poem – Part three.

I travel through your dark demension.
More often than I’d like to mention.
I might find myself at your door.
However you can be assured.

I won’t stop.
Until I’m back on top.
I’ll fight ’til my death.
With my very last breath.

I’ll come out on the other side.
Proudly wearing my morals with pride.
Sometimes it’s a diversion people need to take.
A sadistic vaction, a mental break.

To start a new.
It’s sad, but true.
You need sometimes to face the dark.
To be able to see when there’s a spark.
Of hope, of love, of dreams. Created.
For then the bad will be sedated.

Untitled poem – Part two.

Dragged into murky waters.
I’m welcomed into the devils quarters.
I slump to my knees.
Recall the memories.

I’ve beaten him before.
So i beg him for more.
“Bring me your worst.”
This isn’t a first.

The devil looks me up and down.
I’m a veteran in this town.
I pull myself to my feet.
I will not bow down to defeat.

I’m at peace with proceeding along this path.
And though the devil manically laughs.
I continue my journey through this damned place.
Though tears of sadness stain my face.

I know I’ll find daylight at the end, if i endure.
If i can only survive this night, persevere in this venture.
I challenge the devil once again.
You can’t torture a person who lives life in pain.

I fight demons daily.
To me it’s plain sailing.
So why lock me away.
Why make me stay.

Untitled poem – Part one.

Second guessing is in my nature.
With anxiety as my navigator.
I am second in command.
Will this excursion go as planned?

Uncharted territory.
My personal pergatory.
I’m vastly surrounded.
Struggle to stay grounded.

My brain as a compass.
I’m at an impass.
It’s slightly unbalanced.
When left unchallenged.

Searching for north.
Unable to go forth.
Gates emerge.
I’m on the verge.

Freedom is near.
But my hopes dissappear.
The compass takes me south.
Directly into hell’s mouth.

I need your help.

Hey fellow poetry writers! So i was thinking of posting a poem. It’s rather long, and I’m not even sure it’s complete. It’s rough around the edges. But yunno when you’re kind of happy with something and you’re worried that if you keep picking faults and editing it wont be the product that you first enjoyed so much.

So if you could read through and give me any advice. Other than the obvious.. it’s too long. I might actually break it into three parts so it’s less intense.

Anyways, if any of you have any advice/criticisms/improvements on it I’d be greatful if you comment below the poems. I don’t feel I’m that great at writing them, but i love doing so. I just want to improve as much as i can. So any tips you may have feel free to share them with me if you wish!