Conversations with my anxiety, fighting a losing battle.

Me: Finally, i feel okay. Nothing is going wrong. My family, friends and boyfriend love me. I’m a good person. Life is going well. I’m happy.

Anxiety: Is it though? What if they don’t actually like you. They’re lying to make you feel better. Really they’re fed up with you crap. They’re going to leave. You’ll be alone again.

Me: No! It’s Different this time! It’s just in my head. Just let me be happy! Let me believe everything can be okay. Let me live my life.

Anxiety: Fine… you carry on blissfully unaware. Oblivious to the fact you’re actually an encumbrance to people. A drain on their energy, patience, love and life.

Me: But what if I’m just being silly? What if this time it’s really happening? I am actually finally happy? What if it’s all going to work out? Maybe it’s not a bad thing to believe I’ll be okay?

Anxiety: Are you happy though? Or are you just being naive? We can both ask what if… What if you, in reality are just deluding yourself. In fact you know deep down you definitely are deluded. Don’t let them make a fool of you…

Anxiety: Imagine when everyone leaves. Picture how they will laugh at you, their faces… your face. All because you were dumb enough to believe everything could possibly be okay. Just think of all the times in the past! Think how it worked out then! Why on earth would it ever be different! It wouldn’t would it! It’s never going to change! You’ll always get hurt. They will always let you down and leave! DON’T TRUST ANYONE! JUST DON’T TRUST THEM!

Me: No… they’re not like that. This isn’t the same. They love me… I’m finally happy. I’m in a good place, surrounded by good people. I’ve learnt to let people in and believe in positive things. Bad things don’t always have to happen just because i feel good. I’m allowed to feel at peace. It’s okay to accept that i am good enough for people to love me.

Anxiety: Love you?! THEY TOLLERATE YOU! YOU KNOW DEEP DOWN THEY TALK ABOUT YOU. THEY’RE ASHAMED. THEY’RE ALL LAUGHING! THEY’RE LAUGHING BECAUSE YOU FINALLY BELIEVE YOU CAN BE HAPPY! THEY THINK YOU’RE STUPID. YOU CAN’T EVER BE HAPPY! YOU’RE A WORTHLESS JOKE! IT’S ALL A TRICK. YOU’VE BEEN DECIEVED BY EVERYONE YOU TRUST! YOU KNOW HOW THIS ENDS…. EVERYBODY IS IN ON THIS. YOU’RE WALKING RIGHT INTO THE TRAP.

Me: But… they said…

Anxiety: THE WHOLE WORLD IS IN ON IT. EVERYONE YOU MEET. THEY’RE JUST PRETENDING TO BE NICE. THEY’RE ALL WORKING TOGETHER TO BRING YOU DOWN. THEY’VE BUILT YOU UP SO IT’S EVEN MORE FUN WHEN THEY TEAR YOU DOWN. YOU’RE WHOLE LIFE CRASHING DOWN AROUND YOU.

Me: I’ll just send a message to check they’re okay with me…

Anxiety: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! ANNOYING THEM. YOU NEEDY, INSECURE PIECE OF CRAP! THEY’RE GOING TO IGNORE YOU. DO YOU KNOW HOW TIRESOME YOU ARE! IF THEY DO REPLY IT WILL JUST BE OUT OF PITY. THEY JUST WANT YOU TO LEAVE. FOREVER! EVERYDAY THEY HOPE YOU DON’T MESSAGE. THEY’RE HEART DROPS A LITTLE EVERYTIME THEY SEE YOUR NAME APPEAR ON THEIR SCREEN!

Me: *Pushes everyone away. Throws away a brilliant, amazing group of people. Destroys a solid support network. Spends hours crying in desperation because I’ve shattered the very thing that was allowing me to have independence, and to finally live my life to some extent. Begging to be normal. Craving to belong. Alone again. But can’t risk being hurt*.

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What am i doing?

I’m not going to overthink this. I’m just going to state facts. I have anxiety. I have depression. I’m not fantastic and writing, but i do enjoy it. It also helps with my mental health. I should probably apologise for the generic blog name. I’ve never done a blog before. I usually post my stuff on instagram. I don’t really expect anything from this other than it being somewhere where i can write what i feel. That, and for the people that find what i write interesting, informational, relatable or helpful to be able to read it. So here it goes i guess.